Saturday 3 September 2016

How I survived my darkest days - an ode to Marian Keyes

Today I needed to remind myself of why I write. My writing feels uninspired and meaningless and there are far better uses of my time.

Marian Keyes' books always remind me of the gift, wonder and power of books. In my darkest days of post natal depression I relied on Marian Keyes to drag me through the days. I looked forward to the evening so I could curl up with Marian, read myself to sleep and hope the next day was less torturous.

I love all of Marian's books (first name basis here!) but two books really stuck with me during that period. Every afternoon I forced myself to go for a run with the dog so the endorphins would kick in and drag me through the hell that surrounded me. As I ran, I focussed on the snippets below to reassure myself that I was not alone and that I would eventually emerge from the other side of depression, perhaps battered and bruised but not broken.

From the Mystery of Mercy Close (Keyes, M 2012), Marian's words hit the mark on how I was feeling:


  • Blackness was rising inside me, rolling up from my gut like oily poison, and a heavier outside blackness was compressing me, like I was descending in a lift (p107)
  • I felt so odd in myself, so disconnected from the world, that perhaps it wasn't a good idea to try talking to him. I didn't know how normal I'd be able to be and I didn't want to freak him out (p109)
  • I'm finding it hard to talk to people. I don't really want to be with anyone. But I don't want to be on my own either. I feel weird. Scared weird. The world looks... weird. I don't want to have a shower; I don't care what I wear. Everything feel ominous, like something terrible is going to happen. Sometimes I feel like it already has. (p127)
  • For a moment I was seized with a powerful wish that I'd fall off and bang my head and get bleeding in the brain and be dead before anyone noticed I was missing. (p146)
From The Woman who Stole my Life  (Keyes, M 2014) her words gave me the motivation to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I'd made it out the other side:

  • When you're going through hell, keep going. (p56)
  • Stay alive. Sometimes there's nothing else you can do, but you must do it. (p91)

There were days when I needed these words to find the courage to keep going. 

Revisiting the courage and comfort that I found in these books reminds me of why I write. 

I am not Marian Keyes. I don't delude myself that I have her gift with words. However, by sharing my story and the stories of other strong women, I hope to reach even just one woman and assure her she is not alone.

If you have a way to reach people, do it. You don't know the gift that you might be giving someone tucked away on the other side of the world, just trying to get through the day.

If you by chance are reading the words from the Mystery of Mercy Close and thinking - that's me, that is how I feel, please see a doctor. Please reach out for help. You are not alone.

My sincerest thanks to Marian Keyes for putting her words out into the world, dragging me through my darkest days and giving me the courage to put my own words out into the world.

If you have a book or a hobby that helped you survive depression, please share it with me by leaving a comment below.










6 comments:

  1. I love books, really I love words in any form, but music is what seems to speak to me and pull me through when I'm stuck in my head and can't find a way out of the dark. I have a similar post later this week for my favorite music, but regardless of the medium, I find just knowing someone else understands, and that understanding is reflected in their words, it helps in knowing you aren't alone. Love this post. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am going to check these books out. I am glad they spoke to you. For me - yoga and meditation changed my life. Thanks for sharing! ❤️❤️❤️

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hope you realize how brave you are to share the darkness that helped shape who you are. Even as our world becomes more "tolerant," there is still a stigma that surrounds depression and its affiliates. Thank you for sharing - and keep it up! :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Can I risk sounding like a mush melon here for a minute... While reading this you took me somewhere. First realizing I never find time to read anymore (one of my favorite things to do) Second, imagining myself cozy'd up with a great book and pouring myself into my writing guilt free. Almost made me tear up. The way you describe these books, I am certainly putting those on my list of must reads. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yeah I loved Marian Keyes too. The wierd thing is she suffers from terrible depressions. I loved 'Rachel's Holiday' where Rachel goes to rehab. I don't usually get depressed although I did have a year once where I was depressed and writing novels helped me come to term with the problems I needed to deal with.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yeah I loved Marian Keyes too. The wierd thing is she suffers from terrible depressions. I loved 'Rachel's Holiday' where Rachel goes to rehab. I don't usually get depressed although I did have a year once where I was depressed and writing novels helped me come to term with the problems I needed to deal with.

    ReplyDelete