Thursday, 4 August 2016

This is my story - Own your story

I started writing a post about how much being open and honest has enriched my life and relationships (I will share this post, but just not today).
This is not the kind of blog where I give you all the answers. It's a place to share a journey and hopefully let you know that we don't have to be stuck on the hamster wheel. So maybe I need to get really real. If I can change my life, so can you.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety a number of times. I've come to accept that the rest of my life may be peppered with these afflications. I can’t change that, but I can set my life up in a way that helps to minimise these occurrences and helps me to survive them in the best way I can when they do arise.
My father was a domestic violence perpetrator and I witnessed things that I hope with every fibre of my being my children will never endure. I know that the violence I’ve witnessed is nothing in comparison to others’ stories of horror, but it shaped who I am today.  I think parenting is more difficult for me than most (and I know its hard for everyone) because I worry so much about every aspect of my parenting and every time I lose my temper I worry about the mental scars I’m leaving on my children.
I don’t smack my children and I do everything in my power to not have my kids be afraid of me, because I felt so much fear as a child. Sometimes my kids are disobedient (as they all are!) and I wish they were afraid of me but then I tell myself I’m glad they disobey me, because it means they aren’t afraid of me and it means they have spirit. I’m proud of that and I hope that my children live their entire lives with the spirit they have today and they never feel the fear that has dogged me my entire life.
In this blog I will probably talk a lot about my difficulties in overcoming my perfectionism and inability to stay in the moment. I spent my life fearing failure and rejection and those fears kept me prisoner. 
I spent a long time covering up my emotional scars, but not anymore. These scars have given me strength of character, resilience and compassion. As I write this, I am incredibly proud of the woman I have become and the woman I want to be.
In the last couple years I have changed my life a lot and I’m continuing on the journey. I hope you will share this journey with me and my honesty helps you with your journey.
By all accounts my life has been a "success" if you define success in terms of money and outward achievements. I had a successful career in the corporate world and was earning a six figure salary in my late twenties. I have two highly regarded degrees. I worked myself to burnout.
To me my real successes have been in the years since I left the corporate world and my determination to live a more meaningful life that is not defined by shiny things.
My final point is this: My stories used to own me and I lived a life of fear. Now I own my stories and I’m no longer afraid of them. My stories can no longer hurt me.


  1. I have great parents, and overall a wonderful childhood. Yet, I still suffered from terrible social anxiety. I appreciate all of your comments about bringing it to light. My anxiety about my anxiety (never wanting people to know how anxious I was) became almost debilitating at times. Secrets are toxic. I am totally open about it now, and have been able to help a number of people. Just knowing we are not alone can be a huge relief and step toward healing. Thank you for sharing such personal aspects of your life.

  2. Thanks for the support! Hard to write, but its empowering to put it out there

  3. Bizzy; thank you for sharing. really. i can relate to so much of this post ... becoming a parent for me shocked me into many realisations about myself, about my childhood; about what is important to me; but i have never had the courage to truly accept some of those things and certainly not process them all... I just wanted to say to your blogging about these things is a real comfort and inspiration - that sounds trite- but i genuinely mean it- It makes me consider how to get my own shit together about these things - find a way making sense of my own story

    1. Thank you for this comment. I'd say you don't know how much it means to get this feedback, but I think you do understand. Parenting is hard for everyone, but for some of us it brings back memories long since buried and brings us a whole new set of challenges. Opening up is hard but its also kind of amazing.

  4. I'm glad that you're doing this. It's incredibly hard to be as introspective as you are. As a victim of child abuse myself, I made a promise to myself to never hit my children, but it's not as easy for some people, especially those who grew up in a culture where a good spanking was basically encouraged.

    1. Thank you Leticia, I'm glad that this post is appreciated. It was difficult to write and incredibly scary to post. This positive feedback gives me courage to continue to open up and bring domestic violence and mental health out from behind closed doors. thank you so much for your support.

  5. The key here is that you are no longer hiding your emotions, even if it is an online forum. You are coming to terms with your pain and allowing to release it. The more that you feel good, the more you attract more good to you. This time next year you will be higher than you ever could have imagined.

    Eliseo Weinstein @ JR's Bail Bonds